I Wrote A Letter To The Universe

The day I turned 28, I wrote a letter to the universe announcing I am ready to start again.

I surrendered to all that I had built, all that I had accumulated, and all that I had asked for. In true recognition of the Grand Design, I decided it was time to ‘leave it up to God’. I had essentially been helicoptering my own life, fully obsessed with it, and I decided now is the time to stop.

I rarely jump the gun on existential decision making, instead I’m the type to bide my time in the land of indecision (I'm a Libra Sun). I own my right to exist within my own pace, and I know the floating, the thinking, and the feeling will eventually lead me to a decision. A very well deliberated one at that. At the core of it though, if my soul ain’t in it, then I ain’t doing it. So when I announced I was ready to relinquish control - I meant it.

The last few years I’d been trying to find my rhythm, trying to fall in to place. Nothing new seemed to stick. I made small and gradual changes that somewhat lasted, others bounced back and forth, some landed for sure, but yeah I was actually beginning to feel disheartened. I had been largely confident and determined up until this point, but the last few months of 27 opened my eyes to some big stuff I’d been missing. Some harsh but necessary truths which lead me to letting go.. of the need for control, of progress. By no means is it gone, but I’m pretty good at knowing when its there, and how much more joyous life is without it.

Honestly, for such a massive pat on the back moment I kinda forgot it happened. I mean this whole phase of my life is constantly bringing me back to similar thoughts, but in terms of declaring ‘Life begins again’, I seemed to have immediately moved on.

The next two months where pretty big; my family and I went on our first overseas trip together, I jumped straight in to a new role working 8hrs a day, 4 days a week - a lot more than I had been used to, and all the movement flared up some existing health symptoms. Plus classic personal-life stuff. All in all though I was proud of my new ability to handle more. I did belly-cry during my acupuncture session which was a much needed emotional release, but overall a lot of stuff came up during that month that I navigated really well. I think the release of existential pressure made space for me to do that, in a way that felt truer.. and kinder. It was nice to forget too, it’s important to give yourself a minute to catch up.

Fast-forward to now and my new role has essentially become redundant. Which is fine by me, it did require a little processing but ultimately I know that isn’t where I’m meant to be. Much needed though. So I took the nudge and got back to reflecting on my own plans, this time without the rigidity. How do I want to move forward?

I woke up, walked across to the beach, and sat in the sun assessing a soft feeling of certainty. It was clear, I want to do this art thing, I want to teach, I want to share, and I know I want to be of service. But how can I make this sustainable? In what ways can I meet myself where I’m at while getting super specific. The role I owned for the month has given me a new sense of discernment and momentum that I couldn’t quite access before, so I feel capable.

It’s like starting again, returning to the same places I had cycled through before. Returning to the open map, to old feelings, to overlooked patterns of behaviour. It’s like I have landed in ground 0, assigned the mission of learning how to tune in again. I will not be equip with ‘answers’ or ‘coping mechanisms’ for they do not hold their allure here, my one and only tool is presence, and receptiveness. An ability to hear and feel the now. Mission accepted.

What’s funny is I’ve unintentionally begun rewatching old shows and movies, curious to see what newness I can collect, how deep my appreciation can go for the writing or character development now that I’m more willing to listen. I allow myself to be taken in to the story, maybe before the analysis was running a little too loudly, now I can soften the search for meaning in order to simply receive it. Life and the search for meaning is a lot easier without straining, who knew.

One thing I’ve noticed about life and answers is you will always get them. What changes is the forms. It’s like expressions of the same truth, return to you in differing levels of teaching. You will only receive or feel the resonance of truth in that which you are ready for.

Presence for example, massive lesson for me - the ability to come out of my head and into my body. There was a time where all I could interpret from this was silencing thought, couldn’t really see too far past that. Now that I’m in a new place, it’s clicked in to unravelling beliefs ingrained in the body. The notion of feeling the freedom and truth of the present rather than clenching in fear to attachment. It’s realising the body can still feel those beliefs, even if they’re not being said. Haven’t worked through it completely, but that’s where I’m currently at.

My 27th year was huge for me emotionally, it was a full-on dredging up. It was like a final mirror to 9 years of de-layering, 12 years of self-actualisation. I would say I’ve had bigger years drama or chaos wise, but this was more like prepping for spring.

I was 18 when I began to understand that I get to choose who I want to be, I was probably 15 when I lifted from the haze of a family unit and started to grow ‘Taylah’ as an individual. And so at 28, it feels like I start again. If you look into lifecycles, I’ve just completed a 9 year cycle, rebirthing back to cycle 1. I’m also coming into my Saturn Return soon. Plus a whole lot of other stuff Astrology-wise, I’ll do another post on that.

Im definitely still on the same ride, but my path feels different. There are a lot more open fields with fresh blooms. There’s space and places to lye. A much gentler approach is taken here and it works. That’s the thing, nothing good is ever forced. That’s my new mantra. Whenever I get in my own head, or the walls of resistance start closing in I remind myself, all that is required of me is to meet my promises, nourish my body, and exist in love.